Eavesdropping!

To think I wrote about dating situations in my novel, The Unexpected Connection, and the other night while having dinner at a local restaurant I was privy to a conversation about unsuccessful dating experiences between an apparent single gal and a guy who was either a friend or family member.

My antennae came out when I heard the woman saying, “I can’t understand what I did wrong. We connected on Bumble and then had a great telephone conversation resulting in a meet up. Over a glass a wine and what I thought was a successful evening he blurted out, “I’m not sure that you’re the right person for me.”  This was immediately after I had been sharing some past dating experiences since I was having a good time and feeling comfortable.  What did I do wrong?”

Her male dinner partner responded, “Why do you feel that you did something wrong? Can’t it just be a bad match?”

Here was a woman, who appeared to me in her late thirties, who had lost her self-confidence and blamed herself as so many of us tend to do when a date doesn’t turn out as expected.  This was just what I had explored in my novel so I was particularly interested in the conversation at the next table. My dinner partner and I ate in silence while eavesdropping!

The gal kept repeating, “What did I do wrong?” Why do the men always see my short comings, my faults?”

From the tone and inflections in the male’s voice it was apparent that he was getting frustrated trying to get his message across to her that by discussing the failures of previously encounters and relationships she was turning off men.  In turn I kept hearing her say she was just trying to be open and a good conversationalist. She wasn’t listening to the advice given her but continued to blame herself for her failures.

I stopped eavesdropping and reflected on what I had heard.  Apparently, the woman allowed herself to be damaged by past experiences and lost her confidence.  Rather than being in the moment she was dwelling on the past.  Knowing me, my dinner partner said, “You really want to go over there and tell her that she needs to do some perspective taking and to listen to his advice.”  Laughingly I agreed with him and then changed the subject.  I knew I couldn’t tell her that as women we must find our authentic selves. We shouldn’t deprecate ourselves or allow anyone else to do so.

That evening did however motivate this blog. I thought of advice I would have liked to have given her. Here are some dating suggestions that may result in more positive dating outcomes:

• If you find yourself talking too much – STOP – and start asking provocative questions
• Discover what you have in common, i.e. family, friends, activities, hobbies
• Don’t be afraid of pauses in the conversation – change the focus
• Refrain from sharing too much personal information too soon
• If you’re feeling a connection, share your feeling with a positive comment such as” “I’m really enjoying …. I hope that we can ….”
• Most importantly, don’t always feel if it doesn’t work out it’s your fault; we only have control over ourselves not the other person’s actions and reactions.

I wish you all the dates and relationships that you are seeking.  Please feel free to comment.